Disease
by Kitty Kat
Summary: You wanted him to win all along. The game isn't fun if you win. You always win. The only games worth playing are the ones you can forfeit. PaigeSpin oneshot.
1. Disease

**Disease**

Spinner had hit a weak spot, and he knew it. He had asked the question too many times for her liking, and she was having none of it. "Paige, please, you'd do this if you loved me..."

"I do love you Spin, but after everything that happened in grade 9, you know I can't."

"I'm not like that," he said, stroking her cheek seductively. "I would never hurt you."

"I know, I just, I can't."

"Paige, damnit, I need this."

"Why?" she questioned.

"I just do. You wouldn't understand."

"You don't think I understand? You don't think I have feelings? I want this, too, Spin, but I can't. Maybe someday, but not today."

Spinner was done pleading. "If you can't do this, Paige, I'll go be with someone who can." Paige's mouth hung open in shock. "Goodbye."

_"Feels like you've made a mistake.  
You made somebody's heart break.  
But now I have to let you go,  
I have to let you go."_

**(Spin)**

I grab my sweatshirt, and I'm out of her door before she can protest. Is it fair that she is able to hold all the cards, and I am left being her slave with no possibility of sex? Of course it isn't. I need to take a stand.

Craig is obviously getting some. Jimmy said he was getting some(I believe it, Hazel's been known to put out). Even Marco is getting some. From a dude, no less, but he seems to like it. I am the only one who has put almost two years into a damn relationship. I just happened to pick damage goods. I can't believe I ever liked her enough to look past that.

I can't believe I let her get along treating me how she did. "Honeybee" this and "Shnookums" that. "Please baby, just this once, for me," accompanied with a little playful bite of the ear that made me think I'd be getting lucky. I guess to get lucky, you have to have a certain amount of luck. Luck that I, Gavin Mason, have never possessed.

Anyways, back to the point, I've gotten more pleasure from my bottle of spray cheese than I ever have with her. And my spray cheese doesn't make me bend over backwards for it. Girls are too much trouble. Stick with food products. They don't hurt you.

Now there's got to be some girl around here who wants a little bit of Spinner Mason.

_"You left a stain, On every one of my good days.  
But I am stronger than you know,  
I have to let you go."_

**(Still Spin)**

The water becomes one thing as I immerse my legs into the creek: painful. It bites at my ankles and feet with sharp stinging sensations. Maybe I'm a masochist, but I like it. I take a few more steps before diving forward, clothes on and all. The water envelopes my body and holds me, floating, free from the restraints of life on land.

I stay under the black water until my lungs propell me to the surface with a splash. I shake the water out of my hair like a wet dog before diving under again. I can't see a thing, and honestly, if I could, I would have closed my eyes. Visions are too much for me. I shouldn't be allowed vision, to be allowed to look upon everything there is.

I love this feeling of swimming at night. It's fucking beautiful. I feel underground, weightless, and in total control. Thoughts escape my head. Paige. Lonely Paige, waiting for me. Wondering why. Why, Spinner? How could you? I fucking loved you.

Some things in life you just can't explain. Some outbursts are pure emotion with no trail of logic. You may feel confident that you are in the right, only to realize, moments too late, mind you, that you've just committed the fatal human error. You let your emotions overcome you. You thought with the wrong head. Whatever it is, it has been the cause for more apologies and break up disasters than any other single thing.

I crawl onto the shore and bury myself in the dirty towel I have. I feel like scum. This is the most easily captured human emotion I have: regret.

_"No one's ever turned you over.  
No one's tried,  
To never let you down.  
Beautiful girl,  
Bless your heart."_

**(Paige)**

I sit still as a statue on the edge of my bed. My eyes dart around my room, checking for anything that might be off kilter in any way. As soon as I see it, I stand up in a storm, knocking over my covers in the process. My picture of Dylan and me is two inches to the left. Now, two inches to the left, I can deal with. However, these two inches have caused the cloth under it to ball up. It is disastrous, and if I hadn't caught it, well, my favorite Precious Moments figurine COULD have broke. It's as simple as that.

After I am done rearranging that table(15 minutes), I begin work on the bed that I had so carelessly messed up. I rip my sheets off and carry them all the way to the laundry room(I don't for one second trust my laundry chute). I start to treck all the way back upstairs when I am stopped by my front door opening. Dylan steps into the foyer.

My face turns beat red. Dylan would kill me if he knew what I was doing. They all hate it. I have to think fast. I stand on the steps for a moment. "Marco called," I sau sweetly.

"Oh, hey thanks Paige," he says tossing some mail onto the front table.

"No problem," I say. I just bought myself at least ten minutes. I hurry up to the closet and grab more sheets. Ten minutes to make my bed. I can do this.

Unfortunately for me, Dylan and Marco don't have anything remotely interesting to say. Dylan walks through my door, while at the same time knocking twice. He stops dead, and I stand there, looking completely guilty. "Did you and Spinner have a fight?" he asks. I nod. "Did you take your pills?" I shake my head from side to side. He takes a deep breath. "Paige, you need to..."

"You don't tell me what I need to do," I say and snatch the bottle from his hands. Pills go flying everywhere, but I manage to catch one. I dramatically swallow it without water. "Happy?"

"Paige, I'm just looking out for you."

"I'm fine, Dylan."

"If you ever need someone to talk to..."

I cut him off. "I said, I'm fine, Dylan!"

Dylan looks defeated. "I'm not going to tell mom about this time. But consider yourself warned. You need to take those everyday. I know that you think OCD isn't harmful, but it can be. You need to get control." Before I can protest, he grabs me in a hug. "And don't lie about Marco calling. That's not funny."

_"I got a disease,  
Deep inside me,  
Makes me feel uneasy.  
I can't live without you.  
Tell me,  
What am I supposed to do about it?"_

**(Still Paige)**

I check over my nails again. They seem off. I get out my polish and touch up the pinky on my left hand. I realize that this makes it darker than the one on my left, so I was about to start on it when Dylan walked in. He glanced around my room uneasily. "Yes?" I probe.

"It's really clean."

"All I did was pick up the pills, I swear." And I made my bed again. Just once.

He rolls his eyes. "I brought you water."

"Thanks," I mumble, taking the glass. I grab a pill and swallow it down with water. I go back to my nails while he stands like an idiot in the middle of my room.

"Are you ready?" he asks after about half a minute.

I ignore him for fifteen seconds while I finish my nail. "Now I'm ready," I say, looking up.

We walk downstairs, and I spend one minute, eight seconds at the sink washing out my cup. "It's only water," Dylan says. "You could just put it back."

I glare at him. "My lips have touched this. You might catch my disease. Trust me, it's worse than boy cooties."

He simply shrugs, knowing he'll end up losing the fight if he continues. I sit the cup with the other dishes to dry. "Wait, I think I left the light on in my room," I say after picking up my bag.

"You didn't. Let's go."

"Dylaaaaaan," I plead.

"Paige. It's not on. I would have noticed. Let's go." I pout all the way to the car.

He doesn't bring up the fight until the second red light, a record. "So, what's going on with Spinner?"

I sigh, but we both know I'll end up telling him everything. It's a rather long car ride, and Dylan is my best friend. "Just... stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"He doesn't understand me."

"I don't either, that doesn't mean..."

"You understand this," I say, cutting him off. "He doesn't understand that I'm, I'm different, I can't do the things other girls do. Not after what happened in grade 9."

"Wait, he's pressuring you?" Dylan asks, taking his eyes off the road to glance at me.

I nod. "I can understand why, but it's just hard. He left. I didn't ask him to leave; he just did."

"Paige, I know you love Spinner, but if he wants you to do things you aren't comfortable with, then I'm glad he left. I don't want him to do the unthinkable."

"The unmentionable," I say in reply.

He nods. "Do you want me to have a talk with him?" he volunteers.

"No," I say calmly. "I don't... I'm done. I'm done with Spinner. It's over. No talks. It's just over."

"Whatever you say, baby sis."

_"Keep your distance from it.  
Don't pay attention to me.  
I got a disease."_

**(Gavin aka Spinner Mason)**

"Paige, wait up!" I call down the hall. She doesn't hear and walks into MI. I have Kwan now, so I can't be late. I decide to deal with the Paige ordeal later, and I walk into a room full of grade nine's.

"Move," I growl at Toby.

"I was here first," he protests. I stick my fist in his face. I hate grade nine's. "Oh, I forgot how badly I wanted to sit up front this semester."

I smile and take the now vacant seat. Ms. Kwan walks in. "Mr. Mason, since this is your second time around, maybe you should make an effort and sit up front. Please switch seats with Toby Isaacs." I grudgingly leave my seat and pass Toby. I growl at him a little, but he's all smiles. He gets the seat.

For the next thirty nine minutes and forty six seconds, Kwan talks non-stop about the beauty of poetry. Close to the twenty seven minute mark, I contemplate suicide. I can't die, though, not without Paige's forgiveness. I think of all the things I need to say, and I almost have it perfected by the time the bell rings.

I head for her locker. She's in a rush, but she's still there. I sprint for it, and I'm there right as she's about to walk away. "Paige," I say huffing, "can we talk?"

"I don't have anything to say," she says and keeps walking.

"I'm sorry. I know how hard this must be like for you. I didn't mean it. Please forgive me."

She snorts. "Typical. You don't know what this is like for me. Everytime you touch me, every single cell in my body screams at me to jump your bones. But my brain, and the hurt, they protest, and I'm just not doing this again. I'm sorry, Spin. We're done."

I stand there dumbfounded as she walks away.

_"Feels like you're making a mess.  
You're hell on wheels in a black dress.  
You drove me to the fire,  
And left me there to burn."_

**(Paige)**

I hate this. I am so weak, yet I can't let it show. I want to just forgive him, and collapse into his arms. It's so safe in his arms. But I know if I do, he won't change. He'll never change.

Before Spinner, before Dean, before that night, everything was going along so smoothly. Ashley was exiled, and I was Paige Michalchuk, queen of all things Degrassi. I was unstoppable. Funny, isn't it, how one night can change your life so drastically? One single step, one measly word, one foreboding thought, and I could still be that Paige.

I could be happy and with Spinner the way he needs. If only things had gone my way just a little bit longer. Yet, no, the gods hate me, and I'm a hag. I'm a psychotic hag.

_"Everything you do is tragic,  
All my life before was magic.  
I can't breathe."_

**(Paige)**

I stand silently, slightly off school grounds. I inhale my cigarette and let the toxins pierce the soft tissue of my lungs. My one escape. Not even a very good one at that. I have to have something, though. Craig has his drugs, Ashley has her writing, Hazel has her sex. Compared to that, my little smoking habit is kid stuff.

I hear footsteps. I inhale one last time before stomping out the butt. I turn around. "Please, Spinner, not now."

"Since when have you smoked?" he asks.

"Since, I don't know, forever."

"You're a liar."

"You don't know me."

"Wrong, Paige!" he screams. "That's wrong! I know everything about you. I know the way that you still look nervous sometimes when we go out somewhere fancy. I know that your hair smells like fucking watermelon after you shower. I know that your favorite color is blue, but not baby blue like everyone thinks, fucking midnight blue. I know that..."

"Spin, stop it," I interrupt. "Just because you know things about me doesn't mean anything."

"I know that I'm selfish."

"I know that you're right about that one."

"Paige, please shut up for a second." I do what he asks, but mainly because I have nothing to say. "What will it take? This is everything I have," he says spreading open his arms, "and I'd give up everything for you."

I shake my head. Tears fall freely. "It's not enough."

_"I think that I'm sick,  
But leave me be,  
While my world is coming down on me."_

**(Spinner)**

I grab her and place my lips firmly over her's. She lets the kiss linger for half a second before ripping herself away from me. "If only I could do this," she whispers. "If only I could be hurt over and over again. But I can't."

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I won't again."

"I can't trust you." She lights up another cigarette. I want to rip it from her slightly yellowed fingertips. "I wish I can," she says slightly mumbled as she moves the cigarette up and down with her lips. She inhales and rips the cigarette from her own mouth. "I can't. Want a drag?"

"I don't smoke."

"That's right. Perfect fucking Spinner Mason." She laughs a little.

"I'm nothing without you."

"I'm nothing," she retorts.

"You're my everything."

"Then you're more fucked up than I thought you were."

"Damnit Paige," I shout. "I'm trying. Can't you try?"

"No," she says taking another drag. "You're all out of chances, and I'm all done trying."

"Did you ever love me?" I ask.

"I, well what the hell kind of question is that?"

"The kind I ask," I say. "Now answer it."

"I don't have to."

"Please, Paige." Something in my pleading eyes must have got to her. She takes another drag.

"Alright. Yes, I did love you with all my heart. Except, that's not exactly true."

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because of the verb context. I said I did love you with all my heart. That's not true. I still do."

_"You taste like Honey, Honey,  
Tell me can I be your honeybee?"_

**(Paige)**

Stupid Paige! Stupid, stupid! Do you see that giddy look on his face? He's won. You've let him win. Again. You let your guard down for half a second, and he won again.

But you wanted him to win all along. The game isn't fun if you win. You always win. The only games worth playing are the ones you can forfeit.

I take one last drag of my cigarette before stomping it out again. I stare at the ashes longer than necessary. He's waiting on me. I don't want to leave. My feet stay planted.

"Are you coming?" he asks.

I look up. "I want another." I grab out my pack and open it.

"Jesus Christ, Paige, are you a chain smoker?"

I laugh humorlessly. "Something like that."

"Well, I'm missing bio. Maybe I'll see you later. I love you."

I put away the cigarette I had gotten out. I push the pack into the bottom of my purse, and I take off running after Spin. It takes me five seconds to catch up. We walk silently back to school, hand in hand.

_"Be strong.  
Keep telling myself,  
That it wont take long til,  
I'm free of my disease."_


	2. Author's Note

Elongated Author's Note  
  
Hey kids, how goes it? I hope you can newly enjoy or re-enjoy the glory of this one shot, since it is my baby, too. Anyways, I have a video for it now! Yes, it took me like 10 straight hours of editing, but I have it. So, if you would like to view said video, e-mail me (kcmc2006atyahoodotcom) since it will go through e-mail or message me (jus9moreminutes on AIM, kcmc2006 on yahoo).  
  
Alright, that's all.  
  
P.S. I also have a video for This Brilliant Dance and Glory Fades.  
  
P.P.S. This video includes some season 4 spoilers. be warned. 


End file.
